Client Conversations: Moving from Facts to Feelings

By Holly Donaldson

“How does that make you feel?” That’s not the best question to start off a business (or really any) conversation. Talking about feelings is downright tough in most business environments.

When it comes to money, feelings abound. But our culture is geared to equate money conversations with facts and numbers. Yet, as advisors, we know that for change to take place in the financial realm, some kind of emotion is usually involved. Getting from facts to feelings in a conversation takes emotional intelligence.

Why Tackle Feelings?

Think of the quotation from Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When a major emotional event happens—an engagement, a divorce, a baby, an inheritance—who does a client (or any of us) want to turn to? They seek people with whom they feel safe. If you’ve been “nothin’ but numbers” throughout your relationship, they might not feel you would be the first person to understand the impact of this event.

So if feelings are so important to being a good advisor, why are they often left out? Because feelings can be frightening.

After all, what if you ask about feelings, and it opens a can of worms? What if they are angry about something financial, and they direct that anger at you? Or what if they start crying? Now look what you did! You dug up some ugly, painful stuff. From here on, won’t they associate you with pain and misery?

Maybe. Maybe not. Think alternatively. What if they were upset with you but weren’t going to tell you unless you asked? What if you’re the first person with whom they have felt safe having a good cry? Feelings can be frightening opportunities to deepen and connect your relationships.

If we are willing to entertain the possibility that emotional expression might be a good thing, there are a few ways we can become that safe place for emotions to land.

4 A’s of Moving to Feelings

Let’s call these the four A’s of moving from facts to feelings.

A1: Active listening. This is a specific type of listening skill involving body language, facial expressions, and tone, as well as words and facts. To start, listen carefully enough that you can repeat in someone’s own words what they just said. It may feel awkward, but, with practice, you’ll find it’s appreciated. Here’s an example that might sound a bit familiar. 

Client: “Everything I hear and read says the market is only going down from here.”

An advisor’s brain is wired to jump in with counterpoint, advice, or opinion on a statement like this.

Instead, try active listening with something like: “So am I hearing you say that everything you read and hear is that the market’s only going down—Is that right?”

Client: “Yes!”

Now can you give your opinion? Not yet. Try the second A.

A2: Ask, “Anything else?” Think of the conversation as slowly peeling back layers of an onion. The first layer is often the easiest thing to talk about, so that’s the first place a person goes. Once they feel they have been heard, their brain is ready to open up to the second layer.

Client: “Well, yes, actually, I’m not proud of this, but in the last week, I’ve logged in to my account three times and told the chatbot I wanted to sell everything and close the account. But I stopped.”

Once again, we may feel tempted to share our own thoughts about this disturbing information.

Instead, try something like this: “Wow. I understand. So I’m clear, you have logged in to your account three times in the past week to sell everything and close the account, but you didn’t?”

If we had jumped in with advice after the first statement, we might not have learned this critical second piece of information.

At this point, we may really want to scold, panic, justify, or defend our role as the advisor. By keeping emotion in check, though, instead we go to A3.

A3: Acknowledge and accept. This is where we show them that deeper-layer revelations can be safe with us.

Example: “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me.”

Other ways of saying “Thank you for sharing that” include “Tell me more,” “I understand,” or “That sounds really hard.” Keeping it brief is best.

A3 is also a good place to pause. Pauses here are often referred to as pregnant pauses. You never know what might be born here. The pregnant pause is kind of a silent way of asking, “Anything else?” again without sounding robotic about it.

Pausing-type body language is good too. Relaxed shoulders, relaxed face, relaxed in the chair or on camera, not showing any urgency or alarm. To further cement your safe landing space, pause past that point where it feels awkward. This helps people feel they can take their time.

You never know. In the pregnant pause there might be twin or triplet revelations.

• “I also have this other account I haven’t shown you, and I did sell everything there.”
• “My mother is going to give me some of my inheritance early, and so I wanted to show her I can handle it.”
• “I’ve felt so scared and alone.”
• “To be honest, I’m really upset.”

With so much now divulged, it will feel even more tempting to shift gears. The first-grader in our brains is bursting. “Enough about feelings. I did my job being a good listener. My turn to talk! Me! Me!” Whoa, Johnny and Suzy. It’s not your turn until the client says so. And the way to find that out is to go to A4.

A4: Ask what they would like to discuss. For example: “I understand and really appreciate that. So, where would you like to go from here?”

This transition may go in one of three general directions: a) they peel back yet another onion layer, and you are back in the cycle of the four A’s; or b) they ask for your input/help/agenda/advice; or c) they seem stuck. In this case, an alternative is to summarize what you have heard so far and then ask permission to change the focus.

Throughout the four A’s, remember feelings shared by your client aren’t right or wrong. They just are. Even if someone is angry and directing it at us, seeking to understand by listening, asking, acknowledging, and accepting is better than justifying, defending, and explaining. (And by the way, it eventually feels like a lot less work.) Feelings can be frightening when it comes to client relationships, but feelings can be our best friend.

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Holly Donaldson runs a project-based advice-only practice from St. Petersburg, FL. She is the author of The Mindful Money Mentality: How to Find Balance in Your Financial Future and an award-winning e-letter, The View From the Porch.

image credit: istock.com/Pekic