PRACTICAL OBSERVATIONS

6 Myths About Boundaries in Professional Relationships

By Holly Donaldson

Financial planning is an intimate professional relationship. Since money is so private, sometimes people are baring their financial souls to us. As humans wired for reciprocity, we may feel a sense of obligation in return. As financial professionals, though, the desire to reciprocate can lead to blurred boundaries between client care and self-care. My personal struggle led me to recognize six myths that may affect you, too.

One Advisor’s Struggle

Where is the best boundary between caring for ourselves and caring for clients? This question has been a career-long challenge.

Tuesday, Dec.19, 2000: My 35th birthday and fifth year as a private banker. Hoping for a quiet birthday at work, I stopped to buy a favorite salad to have at my desk (woo hoo!). As I exited into the grocery parking lot, my flip phone rang.

It was my wealthiest client’s business manager, Gordy, who was a royal pain. Filling with dread, I felt compelled to answer. The client, John, had been talking about financing a Gulfstream jet. As the founder of a publicly traded corporation, John wanted to use his restricted stock as collateral. We weren’t too keen on that since, gee, for a $50 million loan on a jet, we preferred to have the jet as collateral.

The day before, on a conference call between John, Gordy, the bank’s senior management, and me, we had shared our position. John was unhappy and threatened to take the loan elsewhere. I felt caught in the middle between advocating for my client and representing my employer. I happened to agree with bank management but stayed silent.

Then Gordy, whom I later recognized as a bully-for-hire, was cursing me out on my birthday because I had not advocated for his boss. Of course, he did not know it was my birthday, but that didn’t keep me from collapsing into a heap of tears behind the steering wheel after we hung up.

The tears were not solely about it being a lousy way to start my birthday. They were also about remaining silent while being cursed out by a bully on my birthday. And about caring too much about disappointing a big client. And about remaining silent on my opinion. And for picking up the phone when I could have sent it to voicemail. On several levels, the call felt awful.

Not long after this, professional coaching changed my life. One of the first skills we worked on was how to set boundaries. Boundaries? I thought, didn’t those have to do with dating?

That was the first of several misconceptions. Here are six boundary myths I had to dispel (along with some internal beliefs behind them).

Myth 1: Boundaries Are Selfish. (Who Did I Think I Was, Beyoncé?)

I think I confused being in the service business with being subservient.

Eventually, it became evident that clarity about expectations is good for everyone. In fact, failing to set boundaries might make experienced clients question one’s professionalism. Someone who fails to set boundaries actually attracts—you guessed it—bullies.

Now, from the first call with a prospective client, I establish clear expectations. For example, during that get-acquainted call, they will share the questions they are hoping to have answered. The call will last 30 to 40 minutes. By the end, there will be a decision on whether an appointment makes sense or not. Then I check to make sure they agree. Most seem grateful to have a structure.

Setting boundaries is not selfish. It is foundational to being of service.

Myth 2: Boundaries Will Push Clients Away. (Because Clients Are Scarce, Not Abundant.)

It’s far more enjoyable to work with people who not only respect boundaries but expect them. It’s the way things are done in their normal world. That’s the world I want to inhabit. Anyone who doesn’t live there isn’t a good fit.

Myth 3: Setting Boundaries Requires You to Be Mean. (This One’s Actually Not a Total Myth for Me.)

My coach quipped that when formerly boundaryless people begin to set them, it’s like they’ve been given a blunt instrument. We run around knocking people over the head with our new tool until we learn some finesse.

Indeed, I went from a doormat to a door-slammer. A few of my new boundaries probably sounded like, “HELL NO, I AM NOT ALLOWING YOU TO INVADE MY SPACE YET AGAIN.”

That might have been a bit meaner than necessary. As the cliché goes: Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean.

Myth 4: Boundaries Require Too Much Time. (I Have to Decide What to Say, How to Say It, and Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!)

You know what eats more time than boundaries? Justifying, defending, and explaining.

Boundary setting becomes easier with practice. Like learning new software, what at first feels clunky soon becomes nearly automatic. It’s cool how quickly I can say, “Here’s how I work,” or “I’ll be away for six weeks,” or “Our time is up.”

Myth 5: Boundaries Require Always Saying “No.”

On the contrary, by asserting preferences up front, more yeses arise for what you really want.

Recently I went all-virtual from my home office. After announcing I would not be renewing the office lease, a handful of clients and prospects pushed back. I respectfully refused.

Before, to avoid their disappointment, I would have bent myself into a pretzel. Instead, I refer them to other NAPFA members who have welcoming, beautiful offices and are happy to meet in person.

If I say yes to in-person meetings I don’t want, that makes less room for those who want to meet the same way I do. When I say no, the focus shifts to “my” people—the people who prefer all-virtual from their own office or living room.

Myth 6: Once You Set a Boundary, You Are Not Allowed to Change Your Mind.

Early in my practice, I agreed to meet people at their homes, and my idea of “reasonable” hours had few limits. Living in a metropolitan area, this meant a lot of driving.

One couple asked if we could meet after work at 6:00. I said, “How about 5:30?” They agreed. I thought I had set a good boundary.

I hated it. It took an hour in stop-and-go traffic both ways. They had little kids. Despite the 5:30 agreement, he was always late. The kids interrupted a lot. I wasn’t getting home until 8:00 or 8:30.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think I could say, “It would be better to meet at my office during regular business hours with just the two of you. How could we make that happen?” and still maintain their respect.

Instead, I continued along resentfully, finished their planning, and wished them well. It would have been courteous, and the right thing to do, to ask if we could work a different way. I didn’t give them that opportunity because I thought I couldn’t change my mind.

Boundaries Are Professional

It only took half my career, but I learned that boundaries are not selfish, mean, one-dimensional, or time-consuming. They are self-loving, kind, multi-dimensional, and time-saving. They are professional.

Further, no one else’s boundaries are right or wrong. They simply may or may not work with yours.

Whenever I feel that desire to oblige again, I remember an accountant who referred a lot of clients to me at the bank. One day I asked if he would like the bank’s hockey seats or some VIP passes in return. He said, “No, Holly, I don’t need any of that stuff. I just need you to keep doing what you do.”

The clients we want to work with don’t expect us to reciprocate their trust by compromising our processes, our calendars, or our lives. The good ones expect us to protect those things. One of the ways to reciprocate and continue to earn their trust is to set the best boundaries we can.

Holly Donaldson, CFP^®, offers as-needed planning and publishes a monthly e-letter highlighting retirement psychology. Her book, The Mindful Money Mentality: How To Find Balance in Your Financial Future, helps pre-retirees make better choices about advisors and money.

image credit: istock.com/Martin Barraud