Once I...

I suspect we have all started a sentence that way. I know that I have. I’m also not asking you to admit that to anyone but yourself.  Positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar coined the term arrival fallacy. According to Ben-Shahar, “Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.” If you think about your own career or perhaps someone you work with, have you noticed a time when all the hard work and long hours expended to reach a particular goal had little impact on the long-term demeanor?

Consider this situation.  You have done everything you have been asked and then some.You set your sights on a promotion, perhaps from Project Engineer to Project Manager. On Friday, your manager calls you into the office and delivers the good news. On Monday, you will be moving to a new project with your shiny new title.  This is what you have been working towards. How do you react?  In the moment, I would imagine there is a sense of accomplishment, pride, and excitement. You share the news with family and friends over the weekend and then show up Monday morning for your new assignment. Do you find yourself in a state of happiness? Or, have you now buried yourself in the new role, no happier than you were before getting the promotion?

This is not to say that we should not set goals, strive to accomplish more, want bigger and better. The point is that happiness can be elusive and that attaching a feeling of success or accomplishment to achieving a goal or arriving at a particular destination can be counterproductive. From my experience, the “once I” caveat often comes from the outside and other people’s expectations. In my coaching practice, I work with many professionals who feel the only way to be happy is to move up, take on more responsibility, earn more money. Many end up feeling overwhelmed, under-prepared, and miserable even though they seemingly got what they wanted.

In considering your own desires and goals, who are they serving? Are you making a conscious decision to pursue that goal?  Is going back to school or getting a certification your idea or one that has been suggested? Will achieving that goal bring you more joy? Early in my career, I began a Master’s program in Civil Engineering. That expectation came from my managers and my parents. I hated it. I quit halfway through. Sunk costs be damned (a topic for another day).  Once I figured out what I wanted, the path became easier and more enjoyable. Did I achieve long term happiness “once I” completed the MBA? I relish the experience, the knowledge, my classmates, and the new opportunities. Those connections bring lasting happiness, not the diploma.

When have you found yourself in the “once I” situation? How can you begin to separate your happiness from attaining a specific goal?

 

Michael Riegel

MRiegel@AECBusinessStrategies.com

516-238-0859